The mirror crack'd

thegameison_sh Cycle Three, Challenge Four
Joint second :D

Title: Before My Helpless Sight
Character/Pairing: Sherlock/John
Genre: Angst (mild)
Rating: PG
Warnings: Discussion of war, brief but including current conflicts involving UK and NATO forces. (Yes, they are rather on my mind right now.)

Disclaimer: The Holmes characters fall in the public domain: This version falls under the creative control of Messers Moffatt and Gatiss, and the BBC. No ownership is implied or inferred. This is done for love only.

Prompt: Phantom touch
Summary: In his dreams, John walks abroad in war zones, a ghost observing the soldiers still there. After a while, he finds that he is not the only one.
AN: The title comes from one of the Wilfred Owen war canon I find most memorable, Dulce et Decorum Est.


( Before My Helpless Sight )

Fandom: Sherlock (BBC)
Title: Saved for My Darling (4/4+epilogue)
Character/Pairing: Sherlock/John, John/Mary
Length: c.3000 words
Rating: R
Spoilers: Reichenbach
Warnings: Character death

Disclaimer: The Holmes characters fall in the public domain: This version falls under the creative control of Messers Moffatt and Gatiss, and the BBC. No ownership is implied or inferred. This is done for love only.

Summary: Part four of the Youth of the Heart sequence. Sherlock comes to terms with what Mary's death means for John, and for them both.

Youth of the Heart
1: Love That is True Love
2: Never Be Sung
3: The Wisdom of Winter is Madness in May
4: Saved for My Darling
Epilogue: Will Not Fade Away

Crossposted to: 221b_slash, johnsherlock, dispatch_box, sherlockbbc, cox_and_co, watsons_woes
Master Fanfic List


( Saved for My Darling )

This might be triggery. I'm leaving it public though because I don't feel the need to be ashamed of either having low self-esteem or being a person who hates themself. That is just the way I am built.

Just going to lob this up here because I nosed through my twitter feed from last night and found that I'd said some things that made me quite uncomfortable, and I want to clarify some things about how my brain works so that in future I can just point people here.

Borderline Personality Disorder, which I may or may not have, have had in the past or will be going to be rediagnosed with in the future, is thought of as an attention-seeking condition. Without getting into the hugely negative and unhelpful juvenilising connotations of the term attention-seeking (but just to clarify this is not generally a voluntary action), let me say that I know I have attention hoarding behaviours. I am acutely aware of that, in fact. More than anything else about my illness, it drives me to distraction that I have times when I act that way and can't get a handle on it. But believe me when I say I will always know what I'm doing.

On the other hand, that is not my only mental health issue, nor is it the most prevalent. Depression is a hugely self-deprecating illness and I have had it in some form or another since I was four years old. You learn very, very quickly how to put yourself down as a simple part of your everyday communication. Just because I seek attention sometimes, it doesn't mean that when I cut myself I want people to see it bleeding through (there's a reason I cut where you can't see). Just because I seek attention sometimes does not mean I don't go through months where I genuinely freak out every night thinking about things that went on in my past. Just because I seek attention sometimes, does not mean that when I walk out onto a bridge with a lethal drop it's so someone will call the police and get me a bit of worry and concern. (One of my attempts involved a helicopter being called out and I was physically sick when I realised the expense I had incurred). I'm not trying to be dramatic, I'm just saying, there are things I do that you might think of as being for attention, but they're not, they're other things that are also hardwired into my systems. And believe me when I say I know the difference, and I would hazard a guess that the more experienced Gaya-watchers among you would be able to tell the difference between me doing something because it's the way I am, and me doing something to provoke a reaction in others. (I am slowly but surely getting a grip on this - I am nowhere near as bad as I was even a few years ago, and I'm learning that if I need someone, asking actually is enough. But I am painfully aware that it's not gone yet.)

All this is a precursor to saying the following:

I know I often throw casual self-insults and put-downs into conversation, and it can seem that they're ways for me to gather compliments from others. They're not. They are just me being me, because part of my illness is that I hate myself with a passion I cannot describe in words. As much as I love you all for shoring me up, I am not going to stop despising myself anytime soon, and putting oneself down like that is pretty much a reflex, a way of putting myself in my place before someone else has a half-hearted attempt at doing so.

Last night on Twitter, I was in a chat about fic writers and threw in something disparaging about myself, and it ended up being a bit of a love-in with a bunch of us complimenting one another. Which is very nice, but I had a valid point and it got sidetracked when people began to feel the need to tell me that I'm not a crap author. Reading back, it's so easy to interpret that as me saying "I suck" so that people on Twitter will say "No you don't."

That's really not what I wanted to happen. I got completely derailed by it, TBH. Especially as one of the people there I know is unerringly honest, and if I say "Do I suck?" I will get a gentle, kind, honest opinion. Last night I really didn't need to put those attention tools into action. But I realise that for people who are not experienced in the minutiae of my terminology - yeah, it comes across that way. To compound that, I wasn't really in a place last night where I could accept compliments, I found them almost physically painful because of the disjunct with how I was feeling about myself, and it all got terribly uncomfortable and then I had to go write a traumatic incident to calm down.

Bottom line is, if you think I might be seeking attention, you can ask. Ask me, or if not ask someone who's been here forever what they think I'm doing. If I am attention seeking, being called on it knocks it right out of the oval. If I'm not, I should be able to say so and maybe notice that I was putting myself down unconsciously, which is a similarly bad habit. And if I'm freaking out totally, run and hide, or if you can bear to, just let me talk myself out of steam, and then ask.

I will always know if I'm doing it, though, if someone asks me to consider whether I am. Odds are, though, I'm just insulting myself because that's what I do, and you can let it pass. If I need attention, I know better ways of getting it than casting out snide asides and hoping someone picks them up.

ETA: I do realise how frustrating it is to live with. I do. Imagine how frustrating it is from this side of things... no-one asks to be this way.

Fandom: Sherlock (BBC)
Title: Never Be Sung (Youth of the Heart 2/4+epilogue)
Character/Pairing: Sherlock/John, John/Mary
Length: c.1800 words
Rating: R (later chapters)
Spoilers: Reichenbach, non-specific
Warnings: n/a

Disclaimer: The Holmes characters fall in the public domain: This version falls under the creative control of Messers Moffatt and Gatiss, and the BBC. No ownership is implied or inferred. This is done for love only.

Summary: Follows Love That Is True Love. In the aftermath of Sherlock’s arrival at the wedding, John comes back to Baker Street to confront him.
Youth of the Heart
1: Love That is True Love
2: Never Be Sung
3: The Wisdom of Winter is Madness in May
4: Saved for My Darling
Epilogue: Will Not Fade Away


Crossposted to: 221b_slash, johnsherlock, dispatch_box, sherlockbbc, cox_and_co, watsons_woes
Master Fanfic List

( Never Be Sung )

Fandom/’Verse: Holmes/Sherlock (BBC)
Challenge: watsons_woes July prompts challenge amnesty
Series: Rising Waters
Title: Epilogue: Married Ones
Character: Mrs Hudson
Length: Drabble
Rating: PG
Warnings: Series: character death
Author's Notes: Amnesty Prompt 10: Alpha/Omega.

Disclaimer: The Holmes characters fall in the public domain: This version falls under the creative control of Messers Moffatt and Gatiss, and the BBC. No ownership is implied or inferred. This is done for love only.

Summary: Mrs Hudson clears 221B for the new tenants.

( Epilogue: Married Ones )

Fandom/’Verse: Holmes/Sherlock (BBC)
Challenge: watsons_woes July prompts challenge amnesty
Series: Rising Waters
Title: Part 7: Dust and Water
Character: Mrs Hudson, Lestrade, Mycroft, ?
Length: Double drabble
Rating: PG
Warnings: Series: character death
Author's Notes: Amnesty Prompt 7: Playing in another sandbox: This fic is shamelessly stolen from the final epilogue to irisbleufic’s I Meet You There And We Go. I feel slightly guilty for asking to use it while I was responsible for feeding her and thereby coercing a little, but nevertheless she let me have her image. If you’ve not read this fic don’t stay here reading this, go there and read that one from the beginning, and get tissues before you start.

Disclaimer: The Holmes characters fall in the public domain: This version falls under the creative control of Messers Moffatt and Gatiss, and the BBC. No ownership is implied or inferred. This is done for love only.

Summary: Lestrade and Mrs Hudson find a final resting place for the boys.

( Part 7: Dust and Water )

Fandom/’Verse: Holmes/Sherlock (BBC)
Challenge: watsons_woes July prompts challenge amnesty
Series: Rising Waters
Title: Part 6: Relief
Character: Sherlock, John
Length: Double drabble
Rating: PG
Warnings: Series: character death
Author's Notes: Amnesty Prompt 6: H/C/Schmoop.

Disclaimer: The Holmes characters fall in the public domain: This version falls under the creative control of Messers Moffatt and Gatiss, and the BBC. No ownership is implied or inferred. This is done for love only. Credit for the last line goes to Vaughan Sivell.

Summary: Sherlock and John take comfort back at the flat.

( Part 6: Relief )

Fandom/’Verse: Holmes/Sherlock (BBC)
Challenge: watsons_woes July prompts challenge amnesty
Series: Rising Waters
Title: Part 4: Secure Communications
Character: Mycroft
Length: Drabble
Rating: PG
Warnings: Series: character death
Author's Notes: Amnesty Prompt 4: Epistolary fic, post it note style.

Disclaimer: The Holmes characters fall in the public domain: This version falls under the creative control of Messers Moffatt and Gatiss, and the BBC. No ownership is implied or inferred. This is done for love only.

Summary: Mycroft and Lestrade maintain a dialogue at the hospital.

( Part 4: Secure Communications )

Fandom/’Verse: Holmes/Sherlock (BBC)
Challenge: watsons_woes July prompts challenge amnesty
Series: Rising Waters
Title: Part two: In Case of Emergency Please Call
Character: Mycroft
Length: Drabble
Rating: PG
Warnings: Series: character death
Author's Notes: Amnesty Prompt 1: Opening line

Disclaimer: The Holmes characters fall in the public domain: This version falls under the creative control of Messers Moffatt and Gatiss, and the BBC. No ownership is implied or inferred. This is done for love only.

Summary: Mycroft receives a rude awakening.

( Part 2: In Case of Emergency Please Call )